The Romney Verses -- Losing My Religion

Dec. 20, 2011

Council Bluffs, Iowa -  A reliable source in the Romney campaign made a startling revelation today: the GOP presidential contender is considering leaving the Mormon Church. The unnamed official claims to have been a party to a private conversation Romney had with members of his campaign staff.

According to the source, Romney said he had been having second thoughts about the Church of Latter-day Saints, as the church is officially known, for several years. The Third Rail has also obtained what is purported to be a rough draft of the announcement Romney intends to make at an imminent press conference; it reads:

“After several years of soul-searching, I have decided to leave the Mormon Church. This is a decision that I have come to after extensive consultation with Ann and after discussing it with our children.

Religions are always helpful and interesting, and offer positive things to people. But they can also sometimes be counterproductive, and subject to manipulation. We know that faith is a necessary precondition for religion.  However, I have come to believe that some of the church’s teachings are difficult to accept, and somewhat troubling. It takes a leap of faith to believe that Joseph Smith was directed by the angel Moroni to a place near his home where several golden plates were buried on which was written what became the Book of Mormon.

There are other zany beliefs of the church that have created doubt in my mind and we have recently decided to worship with the congregation of the Grace Evangelical Free Church in Davenport while we’re here with the good people of Iowa.”

Reaction to the leak has met with mostly muted reactions from rival candidates who are waiting for further confirmation before commenting. But both Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann and Texas Governor Rick Perry have responded.

Bachmann said, “We now have the answer to the question Americans have been asking about Mitt Romney: ‘If a politician will flip-flop on abortion and gay marriage, what’s left for him to change his mind about?’” 

Rick Perry gave a terse response. “Don’t say I didn’t warn ya,” he offered.