J.J. Abrams Force Awakens Diary

By Daryl Kane

Dear Diary, 

Kathleen Kennedy called me from over at Disney to let me know that they had selected me to write, direct and produce the new “Star Wars” movie. I told her I was really excited and would start rewatching the movies again for inspiration. May the force be with me! 

J.J.

Dear Diary, 

So far I have had some really cool ideas. I was thinking that the main characters should be a girl and a black guy. Was also thinking that because most of the original heroes were white men it would be cool if the only new characters I wrote for white men were villains and then went out of my way to cast these roles with particularly pale/dweeby white guys. I wonder if Adam Driver and Domhnall Gleeson are available? 

J.J.

Dear Diary,

Since Luke Skywalker isn’t going to be in the this movie to train the girl but I want her to be really powerful anyways I was thinking I could explain it by having a weird flashback sequence with her. I haven’t figured out or (really thought about) who her parents are yet so I think its good to put this scene in so the next director will remember to figure something out. Is she Luke’s daughter? Who knows, for all I know maybe her parents were a couple of losers who sold her for drinking money. I don’t really drink but I do like to smoke pot sometimes. Ok, I actually smoke pot allll the time. What was I doing? Oh yeah, I’m writing the New Stars movie!

J.J.

Dear Diary,

George called today to wish me luck and offer some pointers. I told him about my ideas about making it super diverse which he seemed cool with but then he asked me if I had any other ideas about the plot, character development etc. Honestly, I hadn’t gotten that far so I mentioned some ideas about how we could give the Empire a new name and basically just continue the whole “Rebel vs Empire thing.” He said that that didn’t make sense since Luke Skywalker and his friends had already destroyed the Empire 30 years ago and then it got weird so I ended the call.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

Kathleen called me today and said that George had called her and seemed concerned that I didn’t know what I was doing. She said he thought it was important to plan out the whole trilogy now, to the best of our ability and clearly figure out where our characters came from and where they were going. I told her that my method of just making things up as I went along like I did with LOST was better and then told her my idea to have the main characters be a girl and black guy and she agreed that my plan was better.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

Had been going back and forth about whether or not the girl or the black guy should be the one to use Luke’s old light saber to battle the new Darth Vader guy. Then I had an epiphany, they both will!

J.J.

Dear Diary, 

I came up with this bad guy who is like a storm trooper captain or something and wrote her to be a woman but then I had second thoughts because she gets beat up by men. I called Kathy Kennedy to see what she thought and she said it was ok since the guy who beats her up is black (Still thinking of a name for him so far I’m leaning towards Bob or Zapp.)

J.J.

Dear Diary, 

Mark (Hamill) called me, says he is really excited about everything and asked me if he’d had any thoughts for his character yet. I told him I had something really cool planned for Luke Skywalker but it was a surprise. *evil smirk*

J.J.

Dear Diary,

George called me again and was trying to be nice but I could tell he was still pissed. He asked me if I had remembered that the movies were about the Skywalker family and told me it was important to remember to make at least one new character a Skywalker.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I realized that George did have a point about the whole Skywalker thing so I had the idea that I could make the guy who is like Darth Vader be Han Solo’s kid. Not really sure where I’m going with this but I have a feeling it will turn out good. This is how I came up with the story for LOST and no one seemed to mind how that turned out.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I just realized that I have to come up with some alien planets so I was thinking that the girl could come from a planet that looks like Tatooine but isn’t and then there could be some other planet that is basically Pennsylvania in the winter time. Then I’ll make everything else look like the first Death Star.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

Harrison called me today to talk which was really cool since Han Solo was my favorite character growing up. Then he told me that he was basically sick of Star Wars and had wanted to get killed off in Return of the Jedi and asked me to kill Han Solo in this movie. That’s when it hit me. The Darth Vader guy who is his son could kill him. I’m pretty sure this will make George happy too since he’s always talking about how these movies are about family relationships.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

After I had the idea of having the Darth Vader kid kill Han I realized that I should have an Emperor guy too. I tried to think about where this character might have come from but my kid started eating LEGOs so I had to stop for a while. I think Kathleen said if I got stuck they could hire some novelists to come up with some books to flesh this type of stuff out for the fans that care. Might take her up on that.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I realized that I forgot what happened to this pilot guy named Poe who disappears after the first 10 minutes so I decided to bring him back at the end and have him fly around in space. The actor I’m using sort’ve looks white so I called Kathy Kennedy since the went against the whole women/minorities good white men bad motif we were running with but she said it was ok since the actor’s first name is Oscar and was from Guatemala. We’re really picking up steam here.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I was thinking about this Emperor guy again and thought it would be cool if the Darth Vader guy had his own army of bad guys with light sabers but I couldn’t really find a place for them in the story so I decided to put a shot of them in the flashback scene. Can’t wait to see what the next director decides to do with them!

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I was thinking I could have a Yoda type character but have it be a female alien, (for diversity.) Was also thinking I could introduce a new female droid like r2-d2 even though just beeps and doesn’t really have a gender. Ran both ideas by Kathy and she gave me the green light.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I was thinking that it would be cool for the fans if Han and Luke had a reunion on screen but then I realized that was impossible because I decided it would be best to basically keep Luke out of the movie entirely. I guess Disney is gonna have Rian Johnson write the next one so I was thinking I would send him an email suggesting he do a reunion scene in the next movie but then I remembered that that wouldn’t work either because Han Solo dies in this one. I hear Disney is going to do side movies so maybe they could do one where Han, Luke and Leia meet up again to help some younger characters, maybe their children or something. Or they can write books about it.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

I had a mini panic attack last night thinking that maybe the original fans wouldn’t like the movie since A:) Han Solo’s death accomplishes nothing but prove that he was a lousy dad B:) Luke Skywalker isn’t even in the movie. But then I had the idea to make it up to them by having the Millennium Falcon flying around every 5 seconds and remembered that even if this movie ends up being god awful it is still projected to make approximately $97 billion USD.

J.J.

Dear Diary,

Just got off the phone with Mark Hamill who flipped out after seeing the script. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t in the movie and I told him that if he was in it would only make sense to have him be the one to duel with his old lightsaber which wouldn’t work because I really wanted Rey and Finn (the girl and black guy) to use it instead. Maybe if I only had one of them use it I could have slipped him in but having all three take turns would have just been stupid. He asked me if I had talked to George or read any of his notes. Dude, chill out. I got this!!

J.J.

Dear Diary,

Rian Johnson (episode 8 director) called me and said he had some questions about the direction of the story so that he could figure out what to do in the next movie. He was all freaking out like bro “who are Rey’s parents? whats up with her flashback? how does she know how to do everything already? how did Maz get Luke’s lightsaber? who is Snoke? who are the knights of Ren? why did Kylo Ren turn to the dark side? how come he killed his dad? were Han and Leia shitty parents?” and all sorts of stuff like that. Honestly I was too high to talk or listen to his shit so I just held my beard clipper up the phone, said “what? I’m losing you” a few times then hung up the phone. Not my problem bro!

J.J.